We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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