I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
