Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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