im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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