I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
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I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
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I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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