A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
