Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We got so high we made milksteak
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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