youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you had me at cake vodka
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
