But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The struggles of a small town man whore
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
