Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
