I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
