Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
