Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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