dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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