I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
