I'm really into asian looking animals
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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