If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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