Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
