New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
