Whatcha textin bout Willis?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
