Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
