He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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