Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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