When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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