Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
