it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
