The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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