Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Sober January is a disaster.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
