i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
