What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
