Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
