I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need to calm my uterus...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
