just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
