I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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