i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
