im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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