my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
