I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
