So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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