I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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