Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think I died a long time ago.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think my moral compass just broke
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
