My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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