pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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