it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
