am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
