Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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