If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You pole danced in your parka.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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