He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
please come you make the beer taste better
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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