I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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