Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
