the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
