My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
