You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
