I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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